Burning Thoughts of Anakin
by Seul Desir
Summary: Anakin... his thoughts, as he does not realize, will lead him to the Dark Side. Short Fic
1. Complaint

I come up here more often than ever. It's so peaceful; I have yet to find a place like this. I sit here for hours, thinking about my mother, my life, my destiny. I say to myself, "Anakin, you are so much better than all of this! Why do you stay confined to the rules and not stray from your arrogant Master?" I ask myself the very same question every night, and there is always the same reply: 'Because there is nothing else.' But I fight with myself every night, and alas, I never win.  
  
I see my mother. I remember holding her in my arms while she slipped past the world of the living. Tears of anger and hatred fall down my face, but I cannot stop them. What would someone think if they saw a Jedi crying? Certainly Master Obi-Wan would not approve. "Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin, they betray you." The same rubbish over and over again. I'm sick of it. Anakin Skywalker was meant for great things.  
  
Thankfulness is apart of me as well. I do not hide the fact that I owe my life to my Master, but I feel like I am so much better- I know that I am better. My mind flashes back to the day on Tatooine with Padmé after I brought my mother back. I vowed that I would be the most powerful Jedi, and I still intend to keep that promise. One day, Padmé and I will have the perfect life. All people will fear me, respect me, and cower before me if I wanted them to. Yes, that is the way it will be. I want to build my world around Padmé; I will never let any harm come to her. If anyone ever touched her, I would kill them in a heartbeat.  
  
My skill with a lightsaber has proven my worth. The force is unusually strong with me, and I know this. The council cannot hide anything from me because I am so much more advanced. 'No, Anakin.' I try to shake the voice out of my head, but a conscious cannot be shaken. It's unnerving the way the mind works. I sometimes think that I am not the only one that matters, but then another side of me thinks, and every other thought is washed away.  
  
When I was a little boy, I remember my days- fixing droids, listening to pilots talk, and hearing Watto yelling at me from the junkyard... those were the days when I was innocent, pure; I had never killed anyone before, I was naïve. I had my mother. 'Damn, Anakin! Why must you always think about her?' I am locked in forever-torment with myself. There is no escape from my troubles, but there will be a fulfilling destiny for me, and everyone will know who I am.  
  
I watch the stillness of the world below me- listen to the silence. I imagine everyone asleep right now, no one worrying about a thing, just sleeping, oblivious to the world for a couple of hours. 'How selfish of them.' Sleep is something I cannot do anymore. I have nightmares- unnatural for a Jedi. I am to fear nothing, hate nothing... but I hate much, and I'm told that it will destroy me. But what could a little anger do to me? I laugh at the counsel. 'Clouded this boy's future is, hmmm.' Yoda, what did he know? He acts like I'm going to turn to the dark side! Right... Anakin Skywalker, on the dark side. That was a laugh.  
  
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*A/N: Thank you for reading this, and please read Torments of a Master! 


	2. Again

*A/N: Some people have asked me if this is only a "one-timer", and I was tempted to say "yes" but there is a lot more that I would like to do. Well, maybe not _a lot_, per say, but I would like to add more! So, if you're up to it, please read this chapter!  
  
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I knew it! I knew that he would hold me back. I should listen to my instincts more than that abomination which I call my Master. Again he told me to "be mindful of my thoughts" and to not show my affections toward my beloved Padmé. I clenched my teeth, for I feared that my anger would pour through like a disastrous tidal wave of fury. I simply bowed my head and gave in to his "authority" once again. I overheard him talking to Master Yoda the other day. He called me 'arrogant' and 'confused'. That makes me angry beyond all comprehension. Does he not understand that I am better than him? Does he not realize my superior grasp of the Force or my agility and skill with a lightsaber? I grit my teeth even now, for he makes my stomach want to hurl.  
  
I know that as I think these words, I am being disrespectful to my Master and my upbringing, but how can I not be? Does anyone expect less of me? Why can't I explode or show my undying rage that I hold deep inside? Because I'm not supposed to want to explode. Because I'm not _allowed_ the privilege to feel the rage that courses through my veins as sure as the Force binds all Life. I'm sorry, I mean _meaningful Life_. For any life that takes another is surely not deserving of such a pleasure. But who am I to talk? I've killed a whole village with only one moment of fleeting regret.  
  
Now my mind struggles with those thoughts. I remember the screams and the sound of hurrying feet as the women and children tried to flee. But after I finished with the ones who opposed me with their meager staffs of bone and wood, I tracked them down. My mind seemed to be clouded with hate, and I didn't know what I was doing until I found myself sitting on the cold sand with a woman, fallen, in front of me, her dead arms still holding her child- her dead child. It was a sight that no one should be cursed to ever have to see; but I saw it. I _made_ it.  
  
Which situation was worse, I do not know, for they both raveled themselves around me and will not separate. They are bound to me eternally, and shaking the grotesque images from my tortured mind will be all but successful. I'm sure other Jedi don't have problems like I do, and that is what makes them pity me. I hate pity. When I walk into a room, the emotions are suffocating, and they overwhelm the atmosphere. It is not my fault that I'm the balance to the Force. It is _not_ my fault!  
  
Tears are too salty. I've decided that I would like to make people not able to cry. Or maybe I would make it so no one could _make_ anyone cry. That would be better I suppose. I feel so weak crying, but there is no one that I can go to at this hour of the night. Like there was anyone to begin with. Padmé is my only sanctuary. Her sweet presence is all that I need to live- to survive. Her love is like the Force itself; it gives me strength, hope, courage, and a sense of belonging. At least I have somewhere to belong.   
  
I once said that I was grateful for my Master and how he saved me. And maybe I still have a lingering respect for him; but as of now I hold him no higher in respect than a drunk star-pilot coming into the old shop and demanding ridiculous parts for his ship. Sometimes I just want to kill him. But I know that I would never be able to do that.


End file.
